Hat With Feet

A Look at the Bachelor's life.

2005-09-25T17:11:00.000-07:00

Ahhh I think Mel Gibson put it best when in braveheart, he put on war paint, shouted at his mates and flash his buttocks to the opposition. Let's face it men love these so called profanities. But few outsiders looking in which can be the woman or the man that has been married too long and forgotten the glory days can understand this. I present the fundamental ideas and accepted practice of bachelor-hood.

Requirements.

Like adolescence it's a phase no, correction a status that every man should attain at least once in his life for a period of no less than a year. In this time our young hero builds character , forges friendships and honing his skill at courtship so that when the day comes he can achieve victory in love and life. Men you see are deceptively simple creature's , we usually have but one subject on the mind and there are few men that can't be reduced to the formula of, love me, feed me, never leave me. Now be you woman or wife you should read the following for you can't interact with your man if you don't understand where he comes from and the logic and lesiure of bachelors.

Crockery,Scullery general and related feeding accessories.
Take away containers,bottles, milk cartents . Wow, what great inventions and how much more easy does it not make life ? The wife can only but look at these and the word improper comes to mind, where the bachelor sees it as a fantastic invention and can't for his own sanity understand such phrases as , would you like a plate ?, I'll get the glasses or let me just set the table. ???

The little things...
Now the bachelor begins the day with as little as possible on his mind, if a thought should cross the mind before the body or mind is completly operational ( this is usually 1-2 hours after getting up from the futon or the last place of battle like the bar counter or a comrade's dwelling etc) the thought is restricted to only one subject. The last thing on his mind is the accesories of life that was took for granted when living with parents, like toilet paper. Now this happens with the best of the breed, but as life often turns out these discoveries are only made at the most in-appropriate moments like AFTER the trousers have embrace the feet and sufficient time has pass. The in-experienced bachelors will loudly proclaim his disappointment with the swear words of his choice,while shuffling through his in-tray looking for papers to be recycled. Once the bachelors got sufficient experience he will learn the little tricks of first softening the paper like folding or crunching it. Only then will comfort be achieved with paper and bottom. As usual there are other school of thought as well like, it's not uncommon for the thinking-man to happily make his way to the bathroom with a pack of coffee filters.

Bonding & Breeding.
At this phase of his life, the bachelor will feel the need to bond with members of the tribe and frequent get-togethers are the norm of the day. At these the bachelor can forge the friends that later in life will become essential if the only conversation to be had with the missus involves curtains,carpets or calories. Further more the latest technique in courting are discuss as to what works and what not. Quickly exhausting this topic because as noted earlier men are but simple creatures, the discusion will drift in the direction of recent highs and low on the battle field. The tall tales as well as the use of the metric system relating to body parts are a definite favorite among the men. Woman wrongly assume men cannot related to feelings and that sort of business but they can't be more wrong. Feelings of sympathy are wildly spread among the men. Sympathetic clicking noises of the tongue with a pat on the back , or the nodding of the head in agreement from a older more wiser bachelor to the less experience one with a bad roll of the dice are a common site. All this boasting and exchange of information can quickly lead to a dry mouth, thus refreshments are at the order of the day. This is a exceptionaly important phase for the bachelor will be strenghten the liver and resistance will be build up against a variety of beverages. From the lowest grade of vodka that has a suspiciously similar appearance to the liquid you'll use to clean the engine, to the best whiskey's available. This will cultivate the young lad to the level of a conosoir with a taste for the finer things, as well as giving him a good benchmark of the amount of liquid that he can readily consume without bursting into a song.

Breeding is done in three way's the most popular one is the breeding by chance, this can take the form of a stray female that has lost the protection pack or she was responding to the slurred voice of the bachelor, the success can be attributed by the same slurred that is detectable in the female's voice. The other method of breeding is the specialist but little is know about this. The last and preferred method is hunting in a pack. Structure is vital to success and they borrow from the military with this one. You got the team or squadron leader, lets call him alpha 1. He goes in for the big kill, but his success is soley dependant on the actions of his wingman. He knows when to introduce a new topic to the conversation and paint you in a believable good light. Past stories of your valor is often just happens to come up in which the team leader cleverly replied. I could not do any less. But the wingman's main measurement of greatness is his ability of timing , he knows just when to arrive and when to go see a man about a dog, while of course taking with the friends of the main targert, under the pretense that the dog is a puppy. Thus effectively dividing the pack.

Personal Higene and tidiness of residence are the rewards of bachelorhood by not having anyone to impress or a mother to answer to. The rule of the thumb is you don't want to resemble the homeless while at the same time keep that masculine smell you've been cultivating or the complex system of wardrobe sorting, socks in far left corner, shirts and trousers far right etc etc.

There are still much to be said for the habit's of the bachelor but alas I can hear my name being called at the pub, and I'm still looking for a sock of the same gradient as the one on my left.

A Different Perspective of South Africa.

2005-09-24T16:01:00.000-07:00

So as an citizen of south Africa I'm suppose to have a elephant in the garage, a shotgun in the foyer and bedroom, and o yes aids medicine in on the bed stand.

Erm... No !

South Africa is a fantastic country, with a few misconception in a few areas ? But like most it's just how you look at it ! So I decided to clear up some myths and encourage the potential tourist to indeed buy that ticket to the dark continent.

Myths:

We ride on the back of elephants to school. False.
Tsk now don't be silly would you climb on a temperamental beast weighing a few tons.

We have lions in the backyard, or lions trying to get into the backyard. False.
Lions ain't actually that scary or intimidating, we have over the years bread a different kind of beast. “The Afrikaans mother in-law”. latin name homo-erectus-e-teriballe. A fantastically unpredictable destructive entity.

We have misguided native(s) trying to get in the house via the backyard. False/True.
Let's be honest yes it happens from time to time, but that happens everywhere. It happens more in s.a cause we got such big and numerous backyards. Besides he/they are probably looking for that backyard lions we keep.

You need to bring your gun. False.
Not so we got plenty here already and if you are not the gun type no worries, we got criminals that specialize in a variety arments. For all practical purpose you'll probably get quite far with just a good stick !.(though your milage may vary). Then again you don't need any of the above if your i.q exceeds 50 and you don't go in suspicions looking areas. If all fails just kick any criminals when they down. That really is the best time to kick them.

The following you need just a different perspective.

Strike or Striking.
definition: The staying away from your work , Not showing up for work because you demand a ridiculuos payment increase, while dancing with banners and yelling in the eleven official languages.
Now you see if you look at it like a team building exercise everything becomes clear. What other corporate team building exercise has the same turn up, with such enthusiastic employees. Let's face it no other team building exercise gather such a crowd or has the same great effects. They all come toghter on the day or for a few days , friendship are renewed, new ideas for securing a brick and mortar company from mobs are discovered.

Sometimes our proud boys in blue come and join the crowd. If you are really lucky you see one where the derived sport of rock-throwing at the opposition is being played. The boys n blue also partake in the launching of projectiles but there side usually wins they got better arms erm guns with rubber bullets. It really is quite a show !

Toi-Toi
definition: the traditional dance performed by employees taking part in the team building exercise.
There is quite noting like it or to compare it with. But i can say all the limbs are involved and the feet are in feel with the rhythm while stomping on the ground. While shouting this week crimes against them.

Security Gates and related hardware.
I have a Greek friend and he came to s.a for the first time and asked me how can we live behind bars. Well it took me a day to two to come up with an answer. South Africa is like a fat girlfriend you love her and are blind to any lack of outward graces.
Actually security gates aren't really a nuisance, we got some terrific talent here and the workmanship is fantastic. It's really only adds to the dwellings appearance. The square frame with round bars is apparently this seasons must have security accessory.

Minibus Taxi's.
definition: A ten-year old van like vehicle which were procured under suspicion circumstance, that gets most of the population to and from work.

Typical behavior. Always filled to the brim with clients, while consistently challenging Newtons laws of motion. No self respecting driver will of course even tolerate the mere existence of lights or indicators in the vehicle, even steering wheels can be replaced by a good quality vise-grip. As to their driving... well they fluctuate between two extremes , either very very slow or very very fast. It's also not uncommon for them to just stop where they are to let passengers mount or dismount, sorry you didn't understand that I mean stop JUST WHERE they are. This can be on the road, at a robot, on the highway, in the road in front of you in peak traffic. The usually ways of communicating your dismay of their actions like waving to them with the “finger of appreciation” or just noticing and voicing his similarities with that of the African baboon are the standard protocol.

So you see South Africa is really fantastic , just adjust your perspective and don;t loose your grip on that good stick you have by your side.

Universal Constants

2005-09-23T16:05:00.000-07:00

One goes through life and hopefully learns something. Gravity one discovers quite quickly in your youth, but there are some other Universal Constants as well that you can not by pass.
So here are just a few I've been decipher over the years.

A pretty girl, is everybody's girl
Yes all woman reading the blog I can hear you scream from here! But I stand by my judgment ! If you date a pretty girl you always going to have to put out fires and growl at nearby testoserone factories ( you of course have to growl cause evolution is yet to bless them with the power of speech ) yea you know the sort.

If it didn't work the first time, It sure as hell not going to work the second time around !
Now granted there are some exception to every rule but the odds are in my favor ! I've seen and hear it time and time again. You and your boyfriend or girlfriend's dating came to an end, regardless of what the reason was, a few months later you bumped into one another and whola you try again. This time with more disastrous results than before.

What the Professor ask and what the student know or studied are never the same !.
We've all been there right ? You sit in the exam you've studied your nuts off , but yet you have this strange suspicion you are in the wrong exam hall with the wrong question paper.

The bigger they are, the harder they fall. Erm FALSE!
This is complete and utter non scenes, a big guy will beat the living daylights outa smaller guy 9/10. You can ponder about this while you moving away in a hastily fashion with all your limbs connected and flexing at the right places, or wonder what chapter you missed in the on line course you took in Kung Fu.

Time the great equalizer.
Now this advice is sort of a given but very few grooms standing at the alter grasp this.Now you can pick a pretty wife with a fair personality but for crying out loud in 40 years all our wife's are going to look erm how can I put it ?Different from their center fold photos. This is unfortunately true for men as well.

You Know Your Best Friend Is In-Love...

2005-09-23T02:39:00.000-07:00

Every now and again the people we know fall in love but it's amusing to see the changes it brings with it. Here is a couple of changes I noticed since my roommate got a new girlfriend.

When:

He's treasured graphics novels finds their way to the dustbin.
There is a giant procurement of new underwear and socks.
He buys candles.
He's previous view of green peas or vegetables where the same as the Ebola virus, now he refers[in her presence] to them as a delicious source of nutrients.
The beautifully masculine bachelors dwelling's aroma and very existence is now strongly challenged by a range of female or female related products like, lip gloss, perfume woman magazine, chick-flicks, flowers, home cook meals, (take-aways is apparently fatting) and o yes candles.
He feverishly looking for his gym membership card, finally finds it, in the kitchen drawer, only to discover that his exercise attire doesn't fit him anymore. O well back goes the card.
He buys even more candles.
One of his waiters[he owns a restaurant] completely screws up a table's order and remarks with pleasant smile: That silly buger. Where just last week when the same thing happened, phrases like: You incompetent excuse for a human being ! @#$% comes to mind.
He buys more candles and puts them up ALL over the apartment. And is utterly ignorant of Edison and his electric globe saga.
You[the single roommate] gets to know your room very intamitly, since you've been banished to your room so they can talk.
You take up a new hobby to pass the time in your room, and decide on meditation. Nothing passes the time like sitting cross-legged humming , while looking out your window at the neighbors wife.
He buys more candles, and you hastily go and hide that {Application For Disconnection of Electrical Services} you've seen hanging about the apartment.
He is almost 7feet tall rock-like exterior and interior he can give the camel-man a go, and yet a add with puppies comes on tv, and he goes Awwww.... Yes i knocked my head when i fell of the coach. I first thought he was “cutting the cheese” hence the noise, but no,no he was distinctively going Awwwww....

A Forgotten Leisure

2005-09-22T15:40:00.000-07:00

Everyone remembers some form of a picture representing Sherlock Holmes with his pipe? But how many of us has every really tried it ? Now for heavens sake I don't mean buying one of those awfull drugstore pipes that have as much smoking pleasure in them as an ash volcano. No no I talking about a real pipe you've hunt for, for a while from your local tobacconist. Well me and my roommate we tried it a few years back with a drugstore special ! Of course we knew nothing of the delicate art of packing & lighting a pipe or the forgotten art of how to smoke a pipe. Believe me I've seen some people approach the subject the same way one will use to produce and use a petrol bomb ! Also one don't just smoke a bowl one after the other you pace yourself and even harden pipe smokers sometimes don''t smoke more than four times a day.

The after dinner pipe is a usually hit with beginners as well as veterans. Use it as a excuse to relax, to ponder to, well frankly enjoy the hell outa life. You see hunting for that perfect tobacco blend or the tall tales that are told when pipe smokers gather are all part of the art. Also the fun of aging tobacco's in the tins is a attractive hobby. So here is a quick tutorial

Get your self a decent pipe from a decent tobacconist. This is part of the fun hunting down bargains! Smokingpipes.com are a EXCELLET choice ! They carry a great variety and yet they still manage to establish that personal touch with all their clients.

Now get a nice starting tobacco blend; I recommend try a few of the house blends they are much cheaper than most of the tin tobaccos; again Smokingpipes.com is a great place to get tobacco.

Packing Your Pipe

Dribble the tobacco in the bowl till it over flows; press it down to 1/3.
Dribble more tobacco in till over flown and press down 2/3.
Add some more tobacco and press down till tobacco is just under the rim.

Lighting Your Pipes

Now here is where people get hasty and treat the pipe like a bbq or petrol bomb. TAKE YOUR TIME.
First comes the charring light. Put a match to the tobacco while puffing lightly an the let it go out.
Then relight you pipe and give a few good puffs.

Smoking your pipe

The golden rule is take it slow !!! If the pipe gets to hot you'll get that awful l taste in your mouth and tongue bite. Puff slowly on it while enjoying all the delicious flavors, and don' inhale.
Don't worry if your pipe goes out, that's part of life just relight.
Again for heavens sake. If you are from the younger generation or from the older generation with a habit problem don't treat it like your daily herb-cigarette. This is not a joint !!! puff-puff-pass don't apply here !

Three Great Ideas

2005-09-22T09:03:00.000-07:00

1. Add lens covers for cellphones with cameras.

Cellphones with digital cameras are great but if you are like me and don't have a bag/cover for your cellphone. Then dust and dirt collect on the outside lens and bingo ! An even more crappier photo.

2. Use metric system of distance for selling meat.

Butchers should sell sausage and meat by the metric system. I can't visualize how much sausage 650gram is ?? BUT I can visualize how much one meter of sausage is, as well as how much one feet of biltong[S.A dried meat], or fillet is.

3. Make the tv-remote casings from rubber.

How many times have you drop that TV remote ?

The Perfect Date.

2005-09-22T05:51:00.000-07:00

Now if I could add any truth to the topic, I'll probably not be single ! But let me tell you what I hate about being single ! Now first of when you single all your “couple friends” wants to set you up with apparently the perfect guy/girl ! Now you see after fighting a losing battle and failed to convince any of the match-makers that you are very happy the way things are. You go on the first date.

The problem is now you sitting there as usually at a coffee shop ; the first date are always something like that. That is now after you got lost on your way there. I swear I might as well consult “Star Charts” and Astrology to find my way because maps are useless to me !.

So the scene is set: A lovely little coffee shop and you both got some type of brew and before that uncomfortable silence sets in, you jump in the 20-20 questions. Your just about to answer or ask him/her their blood type because all other topics are exhausted and your face hurts from all the fake smiling.

Then, then you think there must be a better way! And guess what there is !!

The problem with normal dates are, you adjust to the other person's remarks or general opinion's. I'm all for being yourself on these things, but if they don't know you, they might not appricate your “true self” . For example your friends might find it adorable or think your eccentric if you have different kind of socks on, which happens quite often in a bachelors dwelling ! Now if I show up with different socks on a date. I'm pretty sure I'll just be labeled a bloody idiot that would make for a very poor future provider for her and the kids.

An Example: Well while my parents were courting, my mom apparently loved red wine, and my dad loved dancing. Not so!

These day's the closest my mom comes to alcohol is orange juice left in the sun, while the closest my dad comes to dancing is while he is channel hopping and happens to lands on a channel showing “Grease”.

So the answer: Play Poker. [not strip poker or online poker !].

WHAT ??

No Really: Poker is the only activity that you can study another person under stress, see her/his true deceptive nature. And what sort of money management skills he/or see have ! And that all in 1 activity. I bet you, you'll have a lot of fun, while learning so much more in one date than any other date-activity.

CV , Inteview(s), Friends and Tommy with his Ax.

2005-09-22T02:44:00.000-07:00

Boy:Your Fantastic Let's go out !
Girl: Awww Thank You but your like my brother I could NEVER go out with u !.
Boy: But I pass most of the requirements on your list !
Girl: Yea but you know i got a boyfriend.
Boy: You mean Tommy -”the ax murderer ,serving two life sentences”.
Girl: Yeaaa I know, I know, but he is nice ?
Boy: Nice ? Nice ? Doesn't he have a drinking problem as well ?
Girl: Awww but me and u are such good friends...
Boy: Bugger That !! I'm going to sleep with your best friend and regret it tomorrow!
Girl: Ok but I'm going to phone you tomorrow to complain about Tommy.
Boy: *fell over, numb struck*.

Etc.. etc..

Now what has the above got to do with a job interview ?? Well more than you would think !

Not long ago someone remarked that the above scenario is a bit like going for an interview. I thought I'll expand a bit on this excellent analogy and share it with applicant(s) world wide. . Let me introduce our cast !

Girl : Now she symbolize our prospective employer:
Tommy[The ax Murderer with a drinking Problem]: The less qualified applicant(s)
Boy: Well this is of course our hero in this fable ! It's u & It's Me, It's people everywhere !

The story then continuous that you are more than qualified and are a very good match for what the employer wants. They even use your CV as a basis for comparision. But in the end they going with the other idiot ! In fact they'll even phone u to complain about the person they hired but they will NEVER hire you !.

So update that CV then!

This all came to light as I am almost finished with my studies and was getting into he job market ! It's worse than the dating world !!!. Especially if you take into account that CS(computer science) students well the good ones anyway got about as much social skills as a loaf of bread !.

I've been going for three interviews for a job and I 'm waiting for the call. Hopefully I can be more than just good friends...

Classic Roulette System [ AT OWN RISK ]

2005-09-21T14:47:00.000-07:00

Ahhh the blinking lights, the fancy carpets and all those wonder full sounds inside a casino. So I'm sitting here peacefully on the Internet when a casino pop-up add gets my attention. It took me back in my earlier years of University. My friend and I were convinced we are going to become professional gamblers it looks so romantic no ?:). We sat up nights working out ambitious strategies ! So it's my pleasure to bring you some of them.

Roulette is equal to trying to pick up women at a party: “It can go either way”

Anyway we came up with this system: It's very simple and effective to a point.

There are 3 coulums on th table -each pays out 2 to 1 so if you bet $1 you get paid $2.
Now the way we figured is we bet on 2 coulums at a time that way the only way you could loose is if it lands on the other coloum or 0(Zero).

Hehe told you it was simple. Now the beautifully laws of chance state that if you flip a coin and it lands on tails statistically it has a better chance to land on heads the next time.
So using the same crude logic wait till the ball has landed in 1 coulums at least twice in a row that way your odds are a little better. The gambler should be aware; it takes lost of self control to just sit at the table with chips and NOT betting.

Btw did you know the payout rate for online casino's are better than land based casino's.
Go on try this system at a online casino with “play money” but beware gambling is a bank-balance killer ;)

Any other simple systems ??;)

Ps. Next Post will be about my never-ending believe that I'll winl a Nobel prize and the ongoing failed attempts like when i tried to float in the bath and build a rocket !

Software Racism

2005-09-21T10:46:00.000-07:00

Now I try to see myself as a level-headed bloke, you know "keep your side clean", find some narrow path to follow, because apparently all the wide-paths are over-populated by demons heading down etc etc.

BUT in this case i must raise my opinion ! IE is HIGH maintenance!

fine you could spent a few minutes a day fixing it claiming back your pc but most of the times it goes like this:

1. Locate "EVIL Blue 'e' ICON"

2. Press "EVIL Blue 'e' ICON"

3. Leisurely enter a web-address.

4. Jump up to close down all the pop-ups or click stop

since your homepage has been RESET AGAIN!.

5. *sign* and try to convince any onlookers that the Viagra pop-up really hasn't anything to do with your fleeting youth and that IE is just being silly !.

6. Open up FireFox.

So stab me if you have to !. Drag me to the village pole( Why can't people not just go by them self to the pole ?? ). BUT FireFox Works !!

8/10 compare to erm...

www.mozilla.org <--- FireFox Link

And so it starts

2005-09-21T07:38:00.000-07:00

For a long time now I keep telling myself that i should start a blog. But with most things in life it's not like buying bread! You can't hack at it !;) you need some method thrown into the madness !

But none the less here i am hacking at it!. Everone fancy themself sooner or later as some sort of writer with some degree of talent !.

Anyway So today I'm attending a class, now THAT does not happen often, I'm a final year CS student, but I thouht i should atleast attend one class. Pitty i didn't pick another one to attend, in my great wisdom i picked "Philosophy Of Science" eish !! now i LOVEE sience but this bloody subject !! I was cnawing at my wrist seeking for any life carrying veins after the first 5 minutes !.

On a happier note: My best friend(roomate as well) discovered that some #@$$!! splendid lad send his gf flowers; Now the thing is my friend is a very nice fellow ! salt of the earth ! but sheez don't send his gf flowers !!!:) he's close to 7 feet but i think in his whole life he was like in 3 fights at the most. Long storie short; send one of his waiters( he owns a restuarant ) to the flower shop get some info and found out that it was one of the managers nextdoor that send the flowers;

Shame man, now I'm against violence as much as the next guy but after my friend had a talk with him and showing him but "This was not the Way" and life is too short to be on the wrong end of a fantastic beating. Now being the stern person that he is after he explained all this all to graphicly to the manager he let him have a speaking turn. In which he said :" But but it was not me ? but the OTHER manager !". Ag well so you learn. !